As Real As It Gets

Becoming more and more public, I get a lot of feedback about my life. Recently someone posted that my life seemed so great, that they didn't believe me that my happiness was Real. Having come from the past that I have, and the journey that I have made to have a happy life, I decided that it was time to share a bit more about myself, so that maybe others can understand more about who I am and where I have from come from to get to the place that I am in my in life today.

I grew up in a city, in a housing project in New Hampshire. I lived with my step-father and Mom and we had a pretty normal life. My Mom was always loving and supportive. My step-Dad was young, and hit us a lot. When you don't know any different, it isn't something you necessarily suffer though. It just Is.

Around the age of 14, my Mom left my step-Dad. My brother and I chose to stay with him. My step-dad won custody of us and it was actually the first case in New Hampshire history where a step-father won custody of children over a biological father. My step-dad ended up with a real bitch of a woman who worked in a strip club. It was only a couple months since my Mom left, and this psycho woman made us call her "Mom", or she'd hit us with a belt. She abused me until I couldn't take it anymore and I ran away. I still remember calling a cab from a friends house and laying down in the back of it absolutely petrified that she would see me leaving. I was scared for my life.

My biological father took me in for 2 months, and this is when I met Joe, during the short time that I lived in this area. I would have never guessed then that I would end up living up here and raising a family, and be on the path we are now! Anyway, my father was an alcoholic and after intense emotional and occasional physical abuse from him too, I ran away again. I began drinking and smoking weed, and I even contemplated suicide. I can vividly remember trying to decide on the best way to end my life. It was a very hopeless time in my life.

I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for troubled teens. I gained a lot of useful tools there, but it was also so hard and I felt like I belonged no where. No one would take me in. My life was turned upside down. I was still a kind, loving person inside, but I was viewed as so terrible because of my past behavior and because I wore all black and listened to heavy metal music. My music was all I had and it comforted me. I felt validated when I listened to it. It was everything to me during that time in my life.

One time in the hospital, I was put in a padded room for getting very upset during a therapy session because I was accused of killing cats. The therapist said, that's what people that listened to heavy metal did.. She wouldn't believe me that I would never do such a thing. I remember looking out the little plexi-glass window of the padded room as the nurses stared in at me, observing me. It was very surreal. My heart was empty and as a 15 year old girl, lost. I felt hopeless and decided that when I was released, I would go forth and end my life. I couldn't take the pain anymore.

During the end of my time in the hospital, my Uncle contacted the place, and offered to take me in. I was so grateful! I moved in with him and my aunt and had a new outlook on life. I felt hope for the first time in years. In the beginning, living there was good, but things went downhill fast. My Uncle, who gave 2 years of his life to raising me learned that his wife was having an affair. He was devistated and moved out. I had to stay with her. It was like having a room mate, which was nice in some ways. She had me get drugs for her from school, and this went on for a very long time. She'd buy me Jack Daniels and I'd get her drugs. It was a nice set-up for a 15 year old alcoholic. I drank and smoked weed all the time. I slept with a lot of guys, for a little love. I didn't value myself or my body at all. It was just the way it was.

One night partying with a bunch of friends, I was raped by a man in his 30's. It wasn't like you'd imagine, from seeing rape in the movies. I didn't fight. I froze and left my body. I felt nothing. The guilt for feeling nothing of the experience haunted me for years. Wasn't I supposed to felt something? Pain? Anger? Fear? I know now that it was a survival mechanism and I was able to emotionally leave the experience.

During these years of turmoil and tragedy, I suffered from anorexia. I know it was a way to control something in my life. I also witnessed the horrific death of a friend right before my eyes. In addition, I was arrested in Bermuda trying to bring drugs into the country. I guess you could say my teen years weren't very typical, or maybe they are more typical in our culture than most of us know.

I'm sharing this part of myself for a few reasons. In order for me to continue on my path of a public advocate, speaker and writer, I need those that follow me to truly *Know* me. I'm not perfect. I'm not putting up a front of being Joyful all the time. I've had enough strife in my past to choose to never live in sadness again, or take anything for granted.

After someone goes through what I have in life and have been to the depths of hell on so many levels, this sometimes propels them to strive..... really strive for peace, joy and contentment in life. The contrast of my life now and my life then is indescribable.

The Joy I share is Real. It is true and honest and from my heart. I know that I have the power to create my own life and I do, everyday with my family. The *Me* you read about here, in my book and other places, like Facebook, is truly Who I Am, but in order for others to really understand my expression of endless Joy today, you must first understand where I came from and who I was then.

If I can get to this place living the life of my dreams after where I came from, you can get to the life of your dreams, no matter where you come from! I'm here for you, to offer support, love, and understanding if you ever need it.

So, here I am.... this is as Real as it gets....

Maybe a person can only be as happy as I am by going through all that I did... Maybe anyone can feel Joy and Gratitude as profoundly as I do, regardless of their past. Either way, it's Real. It's True and It's Me.

I take full responsibility for my life then and now. I do not blame anyone for what I went through back then, because I know now that everyone was doing the best they could with who they were at the time. My mother, Darlene and I are very close today and I know that if neither of us went through such sadness back then we wouldn't be who we are together now. Friends....sisters.... and one another's biggest supporters.

I am so proud of all that my family has been able to go through together and apart, and be able to come out on the other side of pain and sadness as the joyful, kind and and loving people that we are today. Thank you God/Universe for the life I lived. If I could go back, I wouldn't have changed a thing, because everything was a lesson that I grew, learned and benefited from in the broader perspective.

Thank you for listening.

In Gratitude, Dayna