Violence as Connection

I remember the excitement in the air when someone would announce that there would be a "fight off the bus". It always involved someone I knew and and I always knew who would win. You only hoped it wasn't you that a bigger kid pointed to and said, "You're dead!" before the bus pulled down your road.

One afternoon I walked outside to see who was around to hang out with, and there was a huge circle of people, all sitting on the grass. There were young children and toddlers on mothers laps. Kids playing ball on the same lawn, half-paying attention. Everyone was positioned respectfully so that there was enough room in the center, for the two boys to fight with enough space.

Their mothers looked on as the 13 year old boys punched one another. Blood was flying, and there were gasps and cheers. At the end of the fight the loser was ridiculed by his mother. At the time, I knew how insane the whole thing was and couldn't believe that everyone seemed so comfortable with it. I accepted it, but always wondered how those mothers could just sit there and watch their children beating on one another. I knew in my heart even back then, that I wouldn't be one of those mothers.

Fighting was the backdrop of many of my childhood memories. I've been in many fights myself. Sometimes I won, and sometimes I lost, bloody, holding back the tears. Threats and violence were part of everyday life in my community back then. These memories are intense and vivid and they give me the gift of sharp contrast to what my children are living today.

It's funny, because looking back, I loved living in the city. It was exciting and I felt part of a close knit community, even though there was so much violence. Fighting was connection. Fighting was intimate. The high of becoming friends with someone after they kicked your ass was an incredible right of passage. If you could survive the ass-whooping with dignity, you never really lost. Maybe you lost the fight, but you gained respect to have the balls enough to not run off crying in the face of a threat.

People might look at me now and read in disbelief that I used to be a child who threatened others and started fights. They might shutter at the idea that I even carried a gun as a young adult. Luckily my life began to shift before I was part of that level of violence. I chose to walk in the other direction.

Helping others understand and have compassion for those growing up in a similar way is something I am learning more about. By sharing my Truth and my life as a young person, I can give others a glimpse into what it was really like to grow up like I did, and the emotions behind what some people just see as violence and negativity.

When you can open your heart to understanding that many kids today who are choosing violence are only doing so to protect themselves and not become a target of others, you can see violence in a new way. Violence isn't violence to those in the midst of it. It's life. It's only when we step out and are exposed to a more peaceful way of life that the shroud is lifted and we see the Peace and Joy that is an option for all of us.

When we can open our hearts to everyone on this planet and know that everyone is doing the best they can with what they know at the time, we can shift to acceptance and love for one another. We can embrace those that we think are very different than ourselves. We can shift from fear and judgment to connection, and by doing so we can live peace on a whole new level.