Freedom of Speech

Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. ~Mark Twain, Notebook, 1935

Yes, that is my son, Orion giving the finger to the camera. Why? He thinks it is funny and he has the freedom to do so! What does this image bring up in you? Does he look like an evil, bad kid? Kind of. This is because you were conditioned to feel this way.

The truth is, my kids swear, and they are very loving, kind people who have the freedoms that most children do not. Orion is being silly, not disrespectful in this photo, but the image feels differently to those of us who were raised thinking that giving the finger is "bad".

I admit, Joe and I swear. Not compulsively or anything. We just choose words that our culture labels as bad or sinful and use them as adjectives, nouns and verbs every once in a while.

I do not choose to live by the ole', "Do as I say, not as I do." mentality. I find it disturbing and disrespectful. Instead, I know that if I choose to swear my kids will too. I take full responsiblity for this fact. My kids have the freedom to swear, as I do.

It's interesting to note that we do talk about swearing and how it

offends a lot of people. Before new friends come over Devin and Tiff always ask me if it is okay to swear around them. Some families have kids who also have this freedom and some do not. We share openly about it and the kids always respect it. Sometimes a swear will come out and there will be a kind of "Ooops" look on my kids face if they forget around certain people. It doesn't happen often though.

It seems so hypocritical to punish a child for swearing if you do it yourself. They are only words and shouldn't we all have the freedom to choose what we say? Isn't it a basic human right? Why is it a double standard for children? More and more parents are relaxing around the issue of children and swearing. The list of "bad words" was enormous in my mothers day compared to today.

When researching before writing this blog entry, I came across this in Wikipedia about swearing:

Tape-recorded conversations find that roughly 80–90 spoken words each day — 0.5% to 0.7% of all words — are swear words, with usage varying from between 0% to 3.4%. In comparison, first-person plural pronouns (we, us, our) make up 1% of spoken words.^[2]

Research looking at swearing in 1986, 1997, and 2006 in America found that the same top-ten words of a set of over 70 different swear words were used. The most-used swear words were fuck, shit,

hell, damn, goddamn, bitch, boner, and sucks. These eight made up roughly 80% of all profanities.^[2] Two words, fuck and shit, accounted for one-third to one-half of them.^[2] The phrase "Oh my God" accounts for 24% of American women's swearing.^[3]

(I thought it was funny that "boner" was a swear. I don't think I've ever used that one!)

Children are historically punished for swearing. I know a few people who swear every other word. I feel it is result of being punished as a child for swearing. Once the person finally has freedom of speech and their autonomy they make up for all of that past control and swear so much more than someone normally would.

My children do not swear anymore than I do really. Sometime Ivy will get stuck on a certain swear and try it out for a while and combine it with other swears in a creative way. Assbitch is one of her newest creative expressions.

Our children do have a clear understanding of when it is okay for them to do so, and when it is inappropriate. They have a respect for others who are uncomfortable with swearing.

At a recent visit to my friends house, she pulled out some organic alphabet cookies. The kids all sat together combing letter to make their names and spell out swears. They all had so much fun! We laughed and connected with our kids as they explored some words that our grandparents would have had soap put in their mouths for.

It was liberating and freeing to know that we didn't have to do what was done to us when we were kids when it came to swearing. It was light and fun and not at all serious.. I think some parents would be so much happier if they could lighten up about the whole swearing issue.

Here is a video I thought would be great to share with this entry.

The seven dirty words (or "Filthy Words")^[1] are seven English-language words that American comedian George Carlin first listed in 1972 in his monologue "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television". At the time, the words were considered highly inappropriate and unsuitable for broadcast on the public airwaves in the United States, whether radio or television. It's interesting that many of these "swears" are on television today. Times are changing and our culture is relaxing surrounding the issue of swearing. This is progress, growth and a good thing... in my world anyway.

Throwing Pots

I just completed a pottery class. It was a great experience! I took Orion, to my last class and he helped glaze my work. I was so glad they were cool with me bringing him. He really wanted to go with me that night.

Learning how to "throw pots" was a magical experience. I have wanted to take a pottery class for years. I am so glad that I did it! I am glad that my children can see that learning never ends and that life is about expansion and growth. I really enjoy my life of learning!

My friend Karissa taught the class. She was such a patient teacher and talented craftsman. I remember when I would make a mistake she would share that the clay could just be something else. I have one trivet, that purple swirly one, that was initially going to be a bowl. It turned into a plate and finally, that trivet when I just couldn't make anything else out of it. I loved how Karissa stayed so positive and supportive of my work, never looking at it as a mistake when things didn't go like I planned when I was working with the clay.

Karissa took my birthing class about 5 years ago. We bartered for class and we just now completed the barter. My class for hers. It was so worth it. I actually thought a lot about birth while making pottery. I don't know if it was because I was with Karissa and that was our initial connection, or if there really was a parallel. You really are in partnership birthing whatever is going to be of your clay. You can't control it, but you have to maintain a steady support and trust of the process.

Phil and Karissa own the League of New Hampshire Craftsmen and are very talented artists. Phil gave Devin an amazing glass paperweight and vase years ago when he took my birthing class. Our family just loves Phil and Karissa and it was so nice to connect again and now, be learning from her. It was a blessing. Karissa was like a clay-Doula to me in every class. I loved that kind of support because pottery was challenging and I wanted to give up a few times.

One of the first steps of making something on the wheel is centering your clay. In order to do so, you must first center your mind. Creating pottery was a form of meditation for me. It took great focus and was much more physical than I thought it would be. At the same time it took great mental concentration.

I really enjoyed it and I would love to get a pottery wheel someday! I'm glad that I got to see Karissa in the depth of her passion. I got to know a side of her that I didn't know before. The give and take of life is so beautiful. Our friendship grew a new point of connection. I will always remember learning from her.

True Food Freedom!

It might shock some people that my children can choose whatever they want from the supermarket, just like I do. Our financial limits vary from month to month, but within our budget, they have the freedom to choose what they want for snacks and meals. They will very often take their own cart and just go off and shop themselves.

Honesty and balance are important values to me in the relationship with my children. A friend once told me that her child wanted some candy at the store. She suggested a banana and told her child that he would get sick if he ate the candy. I personally would never say something that wasn't true to my children as a means to control, coerce or sway them in their choices. For my kids, some candy would not make them sick. In fact, if I said that to them and they ate it and did not get sick, how would that affect the trust between us in the future? I know they wouldn't take what I said as truth very much after that, knowing that the "information" that I was giving them was false and a means of control.

I believe that any foods in moderation are fine for our bodies. I know there are people with allergies and food intolerance's and I am not talking about those people here. I know there are exceptions to everything. Right now, I am sharing about my children who are healthy, happy and thriving who have real freedom with the foods that they choose to put in their bodies.

What is interesting to me about how some parents process freedom surrounding foods is that they tend to think in extremes with fear as the backdrop. If children have had food restrictions and limits and have been controlled in the past, and then suddenly these restrictions are lifted, the natural response is overindulgence with the foods that were taboo. The children do not know when and if the restrictions will be reinstated, so they get as much as they can struggling for their own autonomy. A grocery cart filled with candy, cakes, soda and chips would more than likely be what their choices would be. This image is what most in our culture think children with food freedoms would choose. In my experience with four children with food freedom, this is not the case at all!

Children with true food freedom make very different choices than the average person would ever guess! Just like you and I have the freedom to choose what we eat and we do not fill our carts with candy, cakes, chips and soda, neither do children with true food freedom.

When kids are allowed to tap into their own inner knowing and bodily cravings and they know about their bodies and what nourishes them, they can make choices in what they are just drawn to. I believe that this is the healthiest, most organic way to raise my children surrounding food. A healthy, balanced person with freedom to choose does not make unhealthy choices. It wouldn't make sense to my kids to not eat a balanced, healthy diet. They love and respect their bodies and crave and desire fruits, veggies, nuts, grains, protein and also sugars.

When some people read about my feelings surrounding food and freedom they assume that I must be ignorant about health and foods. What they do not realize is that I am a research junkie. Being a childbirth educator, LLL Leader and Doula, nutrition is something that I am very interested in. Our family is educated about foods, and yet, we have formed our own beliefs from our own research and experience. Some of the films we have seen about foods are, Dirt: The Movie, Food Fight, Food, Inc. Fresh, Killer at Large, King Corn, Super Size Me, The Future of Food and we are looking forward to the movie, "Food Stamped", about how hard it is to eat well on a really tight budget. I've read from the book, "Fast Food Nation" aloud to my kids. We are very aware and educated about genetically modified foods and organic foods. It is one of my passions in life to learn and be truly informed about being a good consumer when it comes to food. My children are interested too, especially Devin right now. (He cried when we watched Food, Inc. watching chickens being kicked and mistreated.)

I also know that my feelings about the foods I eat is what I will experience. If I believe something is bad for me, it will be. If I believe that my body is strong and healthy and that I can eat anything - even fast food - in moderation and maintain my health, it will be my experience... and it is! I can count on one hand how many time over the last five years that my children and I have been sick. We are so healthy with the mindset that we have about food. We are educated, informed yet still hold our own beliefs as consumers. We don't make choices in fear. We make choices from a place of joy and love in what we are drawn to.

I also do not blame my children's "behavior" on certain ingredients in foods like so many parents in our culture today do. So much is blamed on foods and I believe this attitude is so unhealthy for the parent/child relationship. I feel that the parents aren't taking the responsibility for their role in their children's behavior and are using foods as a catch-all blame bucket. Parents today are desperately trying to control what their kids eat in an attempt to control them. A more respectful way to parent, in my eyes, would be to focus on the needs under a child's behavior, instead of trying to control behavior with food restrictions and limits.

Honesty and trust are paramount to a child having a healthy, balanced relationship with foods also. I personally do not have fears, or taboos with certain foods like many people in our culture today do. There is nothing off-limits to my family. The entire grocery store is our buffet and we choose from everything there, without limiting ourselves when we enter. We love farmers markets and we have a very large garden that the kids help with and enjoy also. We love food and trust our bodies.

I believe that the human body is not as fragile as most people believe today. I know that my body takes what it needs and what it doesn't need it gets rid of. I do not believe that there are foods that can damage my body. I believe that my body is strong, resilient, competent and I trust it completely.

There are so many evolving, changing beliefs surrounding foods today. I personally buy and eat what I am drawn to and know that all food is nourishment to my strong, capable body. Moderation and balance naturally takes place when you have no fears, taboos, limits or controls over foods in the family.

I think coming to this place in life surrounding foods and how I respect my kids choices is a combination of things. It is my personal beliefs surrounding my body and the foods that I put in it. It is the trust I have of my children's choices. I give information about foods and my children have the freedom to choose what they want based on their knowledge and what they are drawn to and craving.

Devin chooses fruits, breads, chicken and nuts when we shop. He loves smoothies too! Tiff and Ivy love berries, hummus and veggies, tuna fish, meats and trail mixes. Orion loved veggies, nuts, breads and fruit. My kids also enjoy popcicles, ice cream, pretzels and yes, even candy and potato chips! When they choose the candy I don't tell them, "You can get that, but it will make you feel sick". I respect their balanced choices and I know that they are healthy, capable and competent beings when it comes to foods. I have faith in their bodies ability to take what it needs and leave the rest.

I think when people envision children having food freedom they are basing their image on the distrusting, disrespectful ideas that most people have of children's choices. Most people have never witnessed truly free children. They are basing their beliefs on children with limits and controls which may have been temporarily lifted. Kids are often looked at as not capable, or experienced enough to know what is good for them and what isn't. I believe that children are so much closer to balance then adults are because of the fearful mixed messages and conflicting ideas surrounding food in our society that we have been conditioned with.

I also believe strongly in choosing foods that make me happy. It may sound simple, but it feels so right to me. In our family we all choose foods that make us smile and make us feel good. I know that happiness and good feelings are my guide in life. I have lived by this belief for almost five years now and our lives have never been richer. I love to share this with others because it is a little secret that anyone can apply to their own lives. Walk into the grocery store with love in your heart instead of fear. Choose items based on love and what makes you feel good. You'll be surprised at your experience and what you bring home!

My children make balanced, healthy choices of what they put into their bodies because they have true food freedom and have parents who value honesty and connection above all else. My only "agenda" is my child's freedom and happiness in life. Healthy, balanced food choices are simply a side effect of freedom trust , honesty and love.... Love of food and love of ourselves.

The Boy Who Loved Dresses

When Devin was three years old he asked me if he could wear one of my maternity dresses. I gladly helped him into it, along with a pair of tights, per his request.

He danced around the living room watching the dress swirl with him with every move he made. He leaped from the couch and coffee table looking behind as the dress slowly floated behind him like a cape. He was so happy. He loved wearing my small, short, maternity dresses, that fit him just right. I used clothespins and paper clips in the neck and waist to cinch in the measurements to fit him more comfortably. He would say, "Mama! Watch me dance!" with a pure appreciation for himself and what he was capable of.

When friends would come over, they would respectfully celebrate his love for dresses with him, commenting on how nicely he danced and how great the dresses looked on him. I am so fortunate to have always had loving, supportive friends who have respected my children when most people would judge.

Not everyone in our family was supportive of our choice to allow Devin to wear dresses when he wanted to. Close family warned us that if we "let" him wear dresses he would grow up confused and it would somehow "screw him up" as a person. They were well-intentioned when they encouraged us to buy him more "appropriate" clothing for his gender, like pink collar shirts, or boys button down shirts with Hawaiian flowers. I think some family assumed his intentions were something they were not. The assumptions that he wanted to "be a girl" just because he wore a dress were far-reaching and exaggerations of the simple fact that my son loved to wear dresses. I wouldn't have minded if he wanted to be a girl, and I would have supported him in that desire, but Devin still loved being a boy! He just wanted to express a feminine part of himself that is often stifled in boys in our culture. I was encouraged to bring him to a psychiatrist to evaluate him.

I never listened to anyone but Devin and my own heart. I knew that the fear surrounded Devin's dress wearing was just that - fear! I knew that the only way that I could ever damage my son would be to not allow him to express himself in the way he felt was right for him, even at three years old! I knew that the fear that others had in Devin wearing a dress was just their own issues and that I never had to take their "advice" and bring my son for a psychological evaluation, or make him wear pink colored boy shirts - instead of his beloved dresses.

Listening to my son and respecting his desires in what he has been drawn to over the years has never led me wrong. I trust him fully in his own inner knowing about what is good for him.

Devin wore dresses all day, almost everyday for over four years! We stood by his side and supported his passion for dresses with unwaivering certainty in his wholeness as a person. We helped him on with his tights and zipped up the back of his three favorite dresses for years, with love.

Today, Devin is boy who loves to play video games, build things, shoot his BB gun, ride in his Kayak, create stories and so much more. He has not worn dresses for six years, but if he ever wanted to again, I would gladly support him. I am so happy that he was always able to express himself and I have always trusted him.

We may not know what need is being filled by some of our children's actions and choices in life. Quite honestly, I do not think it is our business to pry into our children's minds to try to find out, because in doing so is when we damage them and make assumptions based on others fears most of the time. It is my role to support my children's choices, without judgement.

One thing is for sure, I will always be by my children's side in whatever they choose to do, or have, or be in life. Unconditionally.

I am so glad that I have listened to my inner guidance from the beginning with my kids.

Devin is a joyful, content, whole and healthy person. I am so glad that he was able to truly be *him* and wear dresses for the years that it met a need within him. I will never forget him dancing around the living room, with pure bliss in his eyes, spinning and leaping and able to be who he was at that moment. I still have his favorite yellow dress, which is now full of holes and little rips from being worn and washed so much over the years. I sometimes take it out of my top drawer as a reminder to never stop respecting, honoring and listening to myself and my children.

Sometimes boys just want to wear dresses and it's all good!