Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A Girl and Her Pug

Buddha Martin is our pug. He is a little dream come true for me. I wanted a pug for over twelve years, but it wasn't until I added him on my vision board that having him became part of my reality. We got Buddha as a puppy and ever since he was a few weeks old, he wanted to be with our daughter, Tiff. The duo has been inseparable for over two years now. Just yesterday Ivy said, "I can't imagine life without Buddha."

For Tiff, Buddha is a focus of her strong energy. She says he's her best friend and that he is the best thing in her life. He has given her such a great gift and focus on her life. She adores him and feels a great responsibility toward him. She takes him for all of his walks, feeds him, bathes him and brushes him. He is her baby and for her to have an outlet for her immense need to care for and nurture something, has been the best tool for her which gives her more than I could even share here. Unconditional love for an intense child is so healing and important. The other kids are challenged by Tiff's expression of her needs. She and Joe are often in a dance of pushing and pulling one another around a lot energetically also. Tiff is the hub of so much energy. Negative energy and power struggles between she and her siblings give her also, a need for much down time and connecting with unconditional love. Buddha gives her this gift.

Out of all of our kids, Tiff needs the greatest amount of connection and involvement throughout the day. We facilitate her desires and passions in every way possible while balancing the needs of five other family members and their needs. Parenting a sensitive, intense little girl has been such a life-altering experience. It has been just as profoundly positive as it has been challenging. I have learned more from Tiff than any other child. My ability to stay present and focused has  improved greatly. My capacity for deep love and understanding for others has been opened more and my awareness for details have been raised. 

Tiff's desire for things, whether it be food, a place to go, or to aquire something, comes on fast and strong. She gets an idea and will not waver from it. She will focus on that one thing until it's done, or acquired or created. She can manifest whatever it is she wants, and she does! Her energy surges are incredible, and a couple of times a week, she cleans the whole house from floor to ceiling. She loves doing it too! There are times when the standard that she wants for herself gets overwhelming for her. If the other kids are wresting on the couch and knock off a blanket, it is so difficult for her. She screams at them, which leads to more screaming and frustration. It can be hard for her to navigate the world being so highly sensitive, but I am learning as I go.

Tiff has the human right to feel every emotion she was given. I think a lot of parents feel like they have to keep their kids happy all of the time to feel like good parents. This life isn't about keeping everyone happy, it is about allowing everyone the freedom to truly feel and express all of their feelings while we, the parents, maintain the present, balanced energy of unconditionality.

Most people were raised in an authoritarian paradigm where they weren't free to express their full range of emotions. We were controlled into showing only happiness and when we showed emotions that were considered negative, we were controlled into expressions of joy so our parents felt better, or we were punished. True freedom is allowing all emotions to be expressed, while we maintain our joyful state. We don't have to be so easily swayed into being angry just because our kids are. Maintain your balance in spite of whatever emotions your kids are expressing and be the rock of unconditionality and love that your children so desperately need. To get angry, just because your children are angry is a means of control and only perpetuates more anger and helplessness.

It is so important, while walking this path with Tiff, that I have an open and strong ability to feel what she is feeling and see things through her eyes. I am my daughters best friend and strongest advocate and partner and I will always be there for her, as long as she needs me. I love her so much and feel her emotions so strongly.

I am so grateful for all that I have learned from my daughter. She continues to inspire me everyday and help me be a better human being. I am grateful, also to Buddha - the furriest Sparkling Martin. We all have so much more life to live!!

~Peace & Love, Dayna


Cindy said...

So beautiful- Tiffany is soooo lucky to have you as a mother!! :)

Anonymous said...

"True freedom is allowing all emotions to be expressed, while we maintain our joyful state. We don't have to be so easily swayed into being angry just because our kids are. "

I truly get this, but I feel immense pressure that I'm supposed to know how and communicate to my child the best way to express their emotions. Obviously, hitting is not okay, but what about screaming at someone. How do I redirect that anger while still allowing him to express it?

Dayna Martin said...

Thanks for commenting

You don't have to redirect anything, just allow it and respond with love. The only way that children truly learn how to be in this world is by how we act. How do YOU respond to intense situations? Do you get angry easily, or respond with love. The more you respond with love, unconditionally, the more your children will.

~Peace & Love, Dayna

Beverly said...

Dayna, my dear. I have been blessed by you in so many ways lately. I've really been appreciating your Rock Your Life Series. From my Christian perspective (and I hope you take this as a compliment), you really show me what living from a resurrected point of view looks like. Thank you for that.

This morning was difficult for a bit, because I had made myself the perfect vegan latte, and was carrying it and my pears and almond butter out the door to get my son to a co-op class. I spilled the coffee all over my husband's computer parts, cried, yelled, etc., etc. I was reacting to the stress I felt in getting my son up and out the door. In the end, we stayed home from class, I bought him breakfast at McDonald's, and we connected. Much better now.

Love, Beverly

Dayna Martin said...

Hi Beverly, I am so glad you are enjoying the teleseries! I have a new one this Sunday entitled, "Unschooling Sensitive Beings" I'd love to have you!
I love how you went from having a "bad day," to going with the flow and reconnecting with your son. Awesome.
Thanks for commenting!!
~Peace & Love, Dayna

Patrick and Emily said...

I have come back and read this several times. Thank you so much! I need it.
I was/am not very sensitive. I think due to my raising. (Which wasnt very good but I am still thankful for )
2 of my Girls are very sensitive and learning to be what I need to for them has been hard but I am getting better. Thank you for your help there!

Anonymous said...

My daughter and I are both very similar to you and Tiff. One quick question - She also likes to clean the house, and just gets very angry when the boys live up a space and make it messy again. How did you handle that with Tiff?
Jackie Heim

Arsh said...

Wow. I would almost bet that Tiff is an Aquarius. She sounds a lot like me in terms of those intense sudden passions and unwavering interest coupled with sensitivity. My mate and I only recently realized how my interests will take me by storm and suddenly I'm caught up and can't help it. It's helping us to deal with my moods and emotions now that we're aware of how I am about those things.

I wish I understood better how to handle the emotions thing. My daughter has been unschooled from birth but not so radically as your family. We have always found that if we completely back off of punishment for unacceptable behavior, we see way too much of that behavior. Our child is not good at self-regulating on many things and so it's been a challenge to find a good balance between freedom and discipline.

I often feel I have no idea what to do. I'm not as patient as you. I wish I was.